Ask James

Dear James,

I am having an moral dilemma. I love Russian candy but hate communism.
Can I indulge in Russian (and Estonian) candy and still love freedom.
Also, it it ever OK to eat candy that has pumpkin nougat in it?

Thanks
Jimi

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Dear Jimi,

Thank you for your question. It indeed poses a difficult moral dilemma, but it is not the same dilemma that you thought it was. I will explain.

As you may know, Ronald Reagan saved the Russians from Communism over ten years ago, and even though the Russian Communist Party continues to represent one of the largest blocs in the Russian Parliament, that does not mean that all Russians are communists. On the contrary, there are many freedom-loving, candy-crunching capitalist pigs in Russia today.

Unfortunately, what the Russian-candy-loving public thought was a new dawn has turned out to be nothing more than a shattered dream. Along with the freedom-hating mongrels in France and Germany, Russia opposed the attempted liberation of the Iraqi people - Iraqi people who, as we all know, cherish freedom. This opposition, of course, must mean that Russians love terrorists more than freedom.

But are terrorists communists? And, more importantly, what does this mean for candy consumption?

The good news is that terrorists are not necessarily communists. The bad news is that terrorists hate freedome. And since the Russians love terrorists, they cannot love freedom. And since, thank heavens, you love freedom, you cannot love Russians and must therefore renounce all Russian candy. As for Estonia, they have been rather silent on the whole question, so until their position can be positively identified feel free to consume their many delicious confections and import them - but only after the free trade agreements have been worked out.

Pumpkin nougat, however, is completely evil and a tool of Satan. Never, ever, ever eat it or speak of it again to anyone or you shall burn in hell for all eternity.

Thank you again for Asking James. Please write again.