Ask James

Dear James,
I have a friend who says that every culture has a "Tickle Monster". In my experience, an attack by the Tickle Monster is a uniquely American experience. Can you help clear this up. Also, have you ever heard of"el cosquilleo de la muerte." Please advise.

Sincerely,
Howie
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Dear Howie,

Just reading your question makes my skin tingle with fear. The unfortunate truth is that a sharpened sense of humor has been used as a weapon to devastating effect for decades. This includes joke-telling, funny-face-making, ventriloquism, mime, and yes, tickling. Beginning with the unrelenting French Vaudevillian Corps (FVC) in the First World War, comedians (or aspiring comedians) have been an indispensible part of military operations the world over. FVC troops, bedecked in ensembles far too silly to be photographed, would leap out of the trenches with an overwhelming array of unusual trinkets, ribald songs, and sketch comedy. (Think Carrot Top, only a thousand times worse.) Shell-shocked Germans, at first entranced and more than a little confused, very soon felt the unmistakable thud of their hearts exploding. Allied troops followed up their vaudevillian success in the Second World War with the unexpected discovery of the World\'s Funniest Joke by an unsuspecting greeting card writer in Wales. Translated into German one word at a time by patriotic strudel-makers, it soon left a trail of death across eastern Europe, unlike anything seen since the Bubonic Plague. Thousands, possibly even billions, died as a result.\r\nEl Cosquielleo de la Muerte, literally "The Tickling Sensation of Death," was used to great effect by Castro during the Cuban Revolution. While not a weapon of the battlefield, because of the supreme difficulty of sneaking up behind the enemy, el cosquielleo instead became an unrivaled tool of torture. In fact, its many victims have been persistently unwilling to talk about its effects, even decades after the fact. The silence has been so universal that many experts disagree on whether or not it is just a myth.\r\nSpeaking of which, "Tickle Monsters" have long been imagined as large, ogre-like creatures that prey on the innocence and trust of children. According to legend, Tickle Monsters - often disguised as the children's parents or as other close family members or friends - strike on lazy summer afternoons, sometimes on weekend mornings, seizing on the child and tickling them ceaselessly. Their appetite is sickeningly vast, as many have been known to continue tickling their victims for over ten minutes at a time, despite peals of snorting and rivers of tears. Unfortunately the majority of children make the grave mistake of trying to out-tickle the Tickle Monster, which far from beating the montser back generally only further inflames their fury."

Strangely, espite myriad reports from hundreds of children worldwide, the existence or non-existence of Tickle Monsters still cannot be confirmed. Some experts believe that the victims of Tickle Monsters grow up to become Tickle Monsters themselves, thereby recanting their earlier accusations and contributing to an an irritatingly inconclusive record.
One thing remains clear: this is a deadly serious world, in spite of the attempts of those who attempt to deceive the rest of us with levity.
Oh, and the Tooth Fairy isn't real either. Sorry.

James