Ask James:

 
Dear James,

I would like to request an essay that explores the boundaries of personal hygiene in public places. For example, is it ok to cut your nails on the "T", in the office, anywhere outside of your home? Where is it ok to floss ones teeth? How about brushing your hair, is it okay to do that in a room other than the bathroom or bedroom?  
 
In this day of lackadaisical social norms, I look forward to your advice.
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Dear Julie,

It's not so much an essay as it is a Friendly Advice Column, but I will do my best to proffer a few answers to your delicate questions.
Social norms are, of course, difficult to determine.  Not just because we are living in lackadaisical times, as you so rightly point out, but because many people in our society strain to live up to the same norms as the rest of us.  Take, for example, gorillas.  No matter how many times we toss them a shameful glance or whisper about them under our breaths they still have the audacity to wobble around completely naked, smacking their lips lasciviously and picking bugs out of their hair.  (Dogs also do this, by the way, but at least they pick the bugs out with a bit more discretion.  Progress is progress, I suppose.)  Because of this relativism, social norms are, to say the least, an inexact science.

That said, let me address your specific questions, as they fall under generally accepted social norms.  The gorillas are liable to take issue with these, but we cannot wait forever for them to evolve.

·         Nail-cutting is only ever acceptable in the privacy of your own bathroom or bedroom and in front of the television only when watching a program with a Nielsen rating below two and only then when accompanied by a tissue to catch the nail residue.  Nail-filing, on the other hand, is acceptable in polite company when filing nails less than one millimeter in length, except when it seems pretentious.  For over one millimeter, see the rules of nail-cutting or see a nail-care professional.

·         As any respectable dentist would tell you, tooth-flossing must be done once a day right before bed, so it is always acceptable, no matter where you are, as long as you precede it with the caveat, "It's okay because I am going to bed in a minute."  If you use the caveat and then proceed to stay awake longer than thirty minutes, you will instantly become a pariah, shunned by friends and family and destined to roam the desert with a bag of carrots and no floss for eternity.

·         Brushing your hair is pretty much okay anywhere, except during meals.  (Let's hope there are some gorillas reading this one.)

When it comes to social norms, most of the grey area can usually be filled in by asking yourself, "What would a gorilla do?"  Give it some careful thought - but try not to lick your lips to lasciviously - and then always, always do the precise opposite.
 
Thank you for Asking James.