Ask James:

Dear James,

I recently received a coffee mug from my dog that says "Thanks for being my owner, your grrrrrrrrreat!" I was shocked! A million questions raced through my head. When did he learn to throw pottery (or how to write for that matter)? How did he get the money to buy materials? My wife seems just as perplexed as me. Is this common and I'm the crazy one? Do I need to get him something for his Birthday? How can I find he he can speak too? Please advise.
Thanks,
Mr. Buttons

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Dear Mr. Buttons,

Your dog may be talented, but that does not mean that he has good taste. That mug sounds like a mug that only a father could love.

As a cat person myself, your question gives me pause - or, is it paws? Like many cat people, I have always just assumed that dogs are irrevocably stupid, but you suggest that not only are dogs adept at ceramics, but also shopping and the finer points of finance. Upon further research, I have discovered that dogs are in fact extremely underrated. Take, for example, the extremely thoughtful work of scholarship written by Dr. Ranger P. Snufflebutt, himself apparently a dog, A Study of Human Behavior (www.southknoxbubba.net/humanbehavior.htm). Surely, if a dog is able to hold a pencil and form complete sentences, a dog can make - or even buy from an on-line store - a simple trinket like a mug. I say, Bravo for him.

As for gift-giving etiquette, a lot of that depends on what you have been doing so far. Because your dog appears to have given you this mug unexpectedly - or, as professional gift-givers say, "just because" - it would seem hollow and superficial for you to start giving gifts in return if you have never done any gift-giving in the past. Instead, accept your mug graciously and offer him (or her) sincere thanks. Many dogs appreciate a scratch behind the ears, a pat on the butt, or an opportunity to lick your face without you squirming. Then, when the dog least expects it, bring home a special gift (just because) to show that the affection between the two of you is indeed mutual. Gift preferences vary according to breed and personality, so think about something that your dog would like. Maybe a kiln would be appropriate for your particular dog.

As for talking dogs, don't be so naive. Everyone knows that dogs cannot talk.

Thank you for Asking James.