Ask James

Dear James,

I have an etiquette question. I hope my problem doesn't seem to "caty". I've been blessed with a very successful career in the entertainment industry. I got my break as the cat on the "Hang In There" calender/poster/mug and the scored a feature role in the "Meow Mix" commercials. And while I like being pet as much as the next pet, it has gotten to be a bit much. When people recognize me on the street, they feel it's ok to just come up and pet me. With one or two people this is fine, but thirty people is excessive. And every day. I don't want to hiss or bat at them, but they can be downright rude(and aggressive!). How can I satisfy my loyal fans and maintain my healthy, shiny coat? Please advise.

Sincerely,
Mittens

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Dear Mittens,

I must admit: at first, I had a hard time reconciling your very real dilemma and my overarching contempt for celebrities. I mean, who doesn't get sick of people like Barbara Walters or Neil Diamond complaining about all of their "problems"? I mean, please. That said, I do admire your work. "Meow Mix" is both nutritious and delicious, and your "Hang In There!" poster demonstrates not just endurance and a real strength of spirit, but it also shows just how much can be accomplished without opposable thumbs. Kudos to you.

Given your work, then, it should go without saying that you would be inundated by an adoring public. The trick lies in finding a balance between accepting their appreciation for what you have done and safeguarding your own privacy. The obvious and classic choice would be developing a cadre of various disguises that you may wear or not wear depending on your tolerance for petting and cooing on any particular day. Any costume shop should carry the requisite funny-nose-glasses, hats, and feather boas. Another, more contemporary option would be to implement some kind of registration and lottery for your fans. Encourage people to register at your website (where they can also find fun facts and share their memories of you in an interactive forum), and then hold a monthly or even semi-annual lottery for the chance to "Win a Playdate with Mittens!" (Of course, playdates would need to be strictly monitored for appropriate conduct, and winners would need to be carefully screened by your security detail, but I hardly need to tell you this.) This way, you can have strict control over your personal space, while also selling the names and personal information you collect from your fans to credit card companies for a little extra cash.

Best of luck to you. Your meow massages my heart.

James