Ask James

Dear James,

I have a problem with a friend of mine. This friend recently purchasedan article of clothing that he/she believes is 100% cashmere. As a "fashionista" myself, I can see that this article of clothing is clearly not 100% cashmere, but merely a cashmere blend. Should I confront myfriend about his/her mistake or should I let them go on misleading themselves and others. I want them to be happy but I also don't to devalue those of us who purchase non-blended cashmere products. Andfinally, does my love of cashmere make me a pansy?Please give council.

Tippy

Dear Tippy,

I am sure that your friend appreciates your deep concern for him/her, while also deeply resenting your secretiveness and underhanded way of trying to solve your problem. Dear Abby would probably suggest having a constructive dialogue about it, but this is not that kind of advice column.

That said, I think I can help you. Many articles of clothing, excepting most socks, have a label nestled somewhere inside them. This label contains lots of useful information about the article of clothing, including the brand name, the size, its country of origin, any special instructions for the care of said article, and of course its composition. (In many shirts, the label is along the neck line, in the back. On scarves, it is usually near one end. I'm pretty sure that cashmere pants and underwear are not widely available.) If the article of clothing in dispute is, in fact, real 100% cashmere, then the label should read "100% cashmere." Any clothing maker worth a dime, especially brand name clothiers like Louis Boston (to pick one at random), would, 1. never manufacture a cashmere blend, and 2. even if they did, they would certainly not be dishonest about it. So, trust the label. But how to read the label on your friend's article of clothing?Easy. In a non-threatening way, confront your friend and ask him or her if you can just sneak a peek at the label on their article of clothing. In a society with frayed social norms like ours, people actually appreciate - or at the very least are no longer surprised - by direct questions like this. (That said, if the article is some form of cashmere underwear, try starting a conversation about clothing labels, specifically underwear. This is good lunchroom small talk.) If the label indicates that the article is a cashmere blend, try not to make your friend feel inadequate or ashamed. Instead, smile warmly and say, "Wow, blends are so realistic these days!" If the label indicates 100% cashmere, do not be afraid to touch it. Connoisseurs of cashmere generally wear it and draw attention to it because they like to be touched, possibly because they need human contact more than the rest of us."

Finally, regarding the question of pansy or not pansy: I'm afraid it is not nearly as simple as your devotion to cashmere. Pansyhood - or pansiness, as some call it - is complex and difficult to define. However, it is generally accepted that any one of the following characteristics will make a person mostly pansy: standing too close to other people on a crowded train, chewing food before swallowing it, or drinking water. Wearing cashmere only makes a pansy more pansy.

Thank you for Asking James.

This happened to my friend Gordon...no, really...

Turkey Terrorizes State Troopers

It was a brief but glorious run along an Ohio highway for one ornery turkey.
On Feb. 11, a state trooper pulled over a pickup truck on a rural stretch of road in Hancock County, only to be confronted by a large male turkey that walked out of a field.
Dashboard video shows the angry avian pecking at the officer and chasing him back to his patrol car, reports WCMH-TV of Columbus.
"That's a big bird," his partner says, laughing. "I think he likes you."
Two days later, a driver called to say that the big bad bird had cornered him in his SUV.
Another officer was sent out to investigate — and was also chased back into his car. That dashboard video shows the harassed driver taking pictures.
The testy turkey then jumped on the police car, pecked at the hood and sat down for 20 minutes, all while the terrified trooper was trapped inside.
Finally, someone from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources' (search) Division of Wildlife came by to free the humans from the feathered menace.
Alas, the plucky pecker was put down after five days in captivity, several days before a local woman called to say her pet turkey "Wild Thing" had gone missing, reports the Toledo Blade.
— Thanks to Out There readers Steve S., Katherine L. and Greg A.
Feel Chilly? Roast a Bird
An Orlando, Fla., property management company is feeling heat for telling apartment dwellers they can fight the winter cold by cooking a large turkey, reports WFTV-TV.
"Slow cooking a roast in the oven or baking your favorite cookies can help take the chill off," the memo sent to hundreds of tenants at the Monterey Lake Apartments (search) went on to say.
Apparently, the complex's heat doesn't even kick in until temperatures drop to the mid-40s, and then takes 48 hours to reach full capacity — meaning a lot of warm days are followed by frigid nights at home.
"I have frozen my butt off when no heat has been turned on for an entire week when the temp was in and around the 40s," writes one resident in an online review of the apartment complex.
The heating-via-stove policy makes some chattering teeth quake with anger.
"We have gas. That's very dangerous. What do you want, the whole place to explode?" complained one resident.
The Orange County Fire Department agrees.
"Ovens are used to cook. They shouldn't be used as a heating device," said a spokeswoman.
Reporters from WFTV tried to speak to more residents last week, but were chased off the property.
— Thanks to Out There reader Susan A.
Chuck Chases His Last Car
WHITTIER, Iowa (AP) — A wild turkey who lived life in the fast lane near this eastern Iowa town has died doing what he did best — chasing cars.
The turkey, called Chuck by some and Jake by others, showed up more than a year ago and starting harassing drivers by standing in the road with his feathers ruffled.
Neighbors say the turkey was run over Jan. 31 by a car flying through town that no one recognized. They buried him.
"At least you can't say he lived a dull life," said Shirley Hadenfeldt, who lives nearby. "There's a lot of people who slow down looking for him who don't realize he's gone."
She said Chuck apparently didn't want to bite the hand that fed him. He'd stand aside for farm tractors.
"But let it be a car or semi and he'd be right out there after them," Hadenfeldt said. "I don't know what possessed him."
Hadenfeldt said, sadly, it's been a lot quieter on her stretch of road since Chuck died, and the three hens he attracted "are nowhere around."
Wild Turkeys Living On the Edge
ANETA, N.D. (AP) — A wild turkey flock may be crazy for moving to this town, which claims it holds the world's largest turkey barbecue each summer.
Wayne Short's backyard is a popular hangout for the turkeys. He said he thinks the big birds have been misinformed.
"When they find out we're having turkey barbecue instead of a barbecue for turkeys, they'll be gone like a shot," Short said.

Ask James

Dear James,
I have a friend who says that every culture has a "Tickle Monster". In my experience, an attack by the Tickle Monster is a uniquely American experience. Can you help clear this up. Also, have you ever heard of"el cosquilleo de la muerte." Please advise.

Sincerely,
Howie
---------------
Dear Howie,

Just reading your question makes my skin tingle with fear. The unfortunate truth is that a sharpened sense of humor has been used as a weapon to devastating effect for decades. This includes joke-telling, funny-face-making, ventriloquism, mime, and yes, tickling. Beginning with the unrelenting French Vaudevillian Corps (FVC) in the First World War, comedians (or aspiring comedians) have been an indispensible part of military operations the world over. FVC troops, bedecked in ensembles far too silly to be photographed, would leap out of the trenches with an overwhelming array of unusual trinkets, ribald songs, and sketch comedy. (Think Carrot Top, only a thousand times worse.) Shell-shocked Germans, at first entranced and more than a little confused, very soon felt the unmistakable thud of their hearts exploding. Allied troops followed up their vaudevillian success in the Second World War with the unexpected discovery of the World\'s Funniest Joke by an unsuspecting greeting card writer in Wales. Translated into German one word at a time by patriotic strudel-makers, it soon left a trail of death across eastern Europe, unlike anything seen since the Bubonic Plague. Thousands, possibly even billions, died as a result.\r\nEl Cosquielleo de la Muerte, literally "The Tickling Sensation of Death," was used to great effect by Castro during the Cuban Revolution. While not a weapon of the battlefield, because of the supreme difficulty of sneaking up behind the enemy, el cosquielleo instead became an unrivaled tool of torture. In fact, its many victims have been persistently unwilling to talk about its effects, even decades after the fact. The silence has been so universal that many experts disagree on whether or not it is just a myth.\r\nSpeaking of which, "Tickle Monsters" have long been imagined as large, ogre-like creatures that prey on the innocence and trust of children. According to legend, Tickle Monsters - often disguised as the children's parents or as other close family members or friends - strike on lazy summer afternoons, sometimes on weekend mornings, seizing on the child and tickling them ceaselessly. Their appetite is sickeningly vast, as many have been known to continue tickling their victims for over ten minutes at a time, despite peals of snorting and rivers of tears. Unfortunately the majority of children make the grave mistake of trying to out-tickle the Tickle Monster, which far from beating the montser back generally only further inflames their fury."

Strangely, espite myriad reports from hundreds of children worldwide, the existence or non-existence of Tickle Monsters still cannot be confirmed. Some experts believe that the victims of Tickle Monsters grow up to become Tickle Monsters themselves, thereby recanting their earlier accusations and contributing to an an irritatingly inconclusive record.
One thing remains clear: this is a deadly serious world, in spite of the attempts of those who attempt to deceive the rest of us with levity.
Oh, and the Tooth Fairy isn't real either. Sorry.

James