Doubting Thomas

Not that long ago my partner Margie and I were walking to the book store on a warm spring evening. Having recently discovered that I have high cholesterol, I had become very interested in foods that might help me lower it to an acceptable level.

Margie had read something about the cholesterol lowering qualities of of red wine and wondered aloud if grape juice might have the same effect. I responded simply "They think it might, but it's not proven." A gentlemen walking by stopped, turned and shouted at me, saying "It is proven, Jesus is the son of God and you're a doubting Thomas."

Can one believe that Jesus is the son of God but not in the cholesterol lowering qualities of grape juice? How did he know my middle name is Thomas? Should I be eating more fiber as well. It was as if my spiritual health and physical health had come to a crossroads...who would pass, Jesus or the grape juice?

Religion, like grape juice, often creates more questions than it answers.

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The Rules of Ice Cream

I was privy to a conversation today between a father and son in front of the Children's Museum. The son was being lectured on the rules of eating ice cream. I was amazed to find that I had never been taught these rules by my own parents. I now look back in horror on my freewheeling, discipline free childhood filled with improper(and embarrassing)ice cream eating educate. My question for you is, are these all of the rules of ice creams or are their more I am oblivious to? Please help:

ICE CREAM RULES:

I. Your must concentrate on your ice cream. There is to be no tilting of the ice cream or "futzing around" while the ice cream is being consumed. If you fail to concentrate on your ice cream or choose to "futz", the ice cream will be taken away.

II. You must never shove the ice cream in the face if your little brother. If this occurs, the ice cream with either A)fall all over your little brother B)be taken away for breaking rule II. Either way, no more ice cream.

III. You must always have a napkin in hand for drips. If you see that the ice cream is about to drip, you must attempt a maneuver called the "emergency lick". This maneuver involves tilting the ice cream cone (seemingly breaking rule I) and turn is slowly, running your tongue around the edge.

So it is written.....go forth and eat ice cream

Free Form Haikus

One man's garbage
Is another's treasure
Stinky, stinky dog

If only fools
Fall in love
And George Bush loves freedom...

I want candy
I want candy
All the time


Grrrrrrr! 

The bear walks slowly
Stalking its prey
Wacka Wacka Wacka!

FOUND Magazine

FOUND Magazine

All things lost are found again. This is the recycling of people's lives. Paper, plastic, love?

Word Association with Laura: What does this tell us about her?

Monkey: Buisness
Jellybeans: Good
Coolito: Momita
James: Peace
Dunkin Donuts: Coffee
Schnauzer: Hot Dog
Tickle: me Elmo
Tinkle: Twinkle
Doogie Howser: MD
Minnesota: Twins
Bush: Laura
The Boston Crippler: What?

Stacky the Clown!

Stacky the Clown!
This comic strip is for all you folks who love clowns and the things they stack. This is really an untapped area of comedy. Stacked Porcupines, that's funny people!

Ask James

Dear James,

I am having an moral dilemma. I love Russian candy but hate communism.
Can I indulge in Russian (and Estonian) candy and still love freedom.
Also, it it ever OK to eat candy that has pumpkin nougat in it?

Thanks
Jimi

...................

Dear Jimi,

Thank you for your question. It indeed poses a difficult moral dilemma, but it is not the same dilemma that you thought it was. I will explain.

As you may know, Ronald Reagan saved the Russians from Communism over ten years ago, and even though the Russian Communist Party continues to represent one of the largest blocs in the Russian Parliament, that does not mean that all Russians are communists. On the contrary, there are many freedom-loving, candy-crunching capitalist pigs in Russia today.

Unfortunately, what the Russian-candy-loving public thought was a new dawn has turned out to be nothing more than a shattered dream. Along with the freedom-hating mongrels in France and Germany, Russia opposed the attempted liberation of the Iraqi people - Iraqi people who, as we all know, cherish freedom. This opposition, of course, must mean that Russians love terrorists more than freedom.

But are terrorists communists? And, more importantly, what does this mean for candy consumption?

The good news is that terrorists are not necessarily communists. The bad news is that terrorists hate freedome. And since the Russians love terrorists, they cannot love freedom. And since, thank heavens, you love freedom, you cannot love Russians and must therefore renounce all Russian candy. As for Estonia, they have been rather silent on the whole question, so until their position can be positively identified feel free to consume their many delicious confections and import them - but only after the free trade agreements have been worked out.

Pumpkin nougat, however, is completely evil and a tool of Satan. Never, ever, ever eat it or speak of it again to anyone or you shall burn in hell for all eternity.

Thank you again for Asking James. Please write again.